Not gonna make it....

So the title of my blog is 30 x 30, because the point was to lose thirty pounds by the time I turned thirty...April 20. I'm not going to make it. It's kinda sad, it was a totally reasonable goal at the time I made it. Now I've only lost about five pounds since then. So, yeah. Not gonna make it with less than a month.

Maybe I should change it. 30 x 31??? Doesn't have quite the same ring to it. I've been struggling again with my eating and not doing the BDS, even though I still think it's a great way to go. I don't know what to say about my inability to keep it central in my mind. It's like I have a switch in my brain that I just turn off when I want to eat some ridiculous food...need to find, kill the switch. Break it so that I always remember every frickin' thing that goes in my mouth.

I don't think I'll change the name of the blog...it's not really read by anyone except for me, so what's the point? But I will say that I want to get back on track and lose another five pounds before my birthday...go me!

Dieting vs. Working Out

Is one always easier than the other? For me, dieting is one long-ass struggle against my inner glutton. I will probably never be the type of person who sits down to a meal of grilled chicken and steamed vegetables and says, "yum." I will be the one who is thinking about the possible procurement of ice cream. Which makes it hard when I tell myself "no."
Working out, being active on the other hand is like a gift. A shiny, mind-calming gift I allow myself to open. I like feeling strong. I like pushing myself and breathing heavily. Last night I went swimming for the first time in a while. I totally relished the feeling of shooting off the wall after a turn, cutting through the water and feeling the quivering in my arms after a sprint lap. I am not a particularly fast swimmer, but I am a good one. I love the way the water holds me up. It's such a huge difference from the way I feel when I'm walking or running, fighting gravity and wishing for smaller boobs.
So how can I merge the two? How can I get the same feeling from eating healthily for a day or a week? And how do I sustain the feeling?

My neck...my back...my neck and my back!

Baaahhh! For the last two, three, four days I've been all crappy feeling! My back has twisted itself into a ball of tight crankiness, an innocent (really!) bed wrestling match resulted in my shoulder feeling as is it is off its hinges and making a snap crackle pop and BAaaahhh! The same bed wrestling match also resulted in a head-butting, but my brow bone has held up well - no bruising or anything.

So when I feel like this, when my body hurts and what would probably help would be to do some light exercising and stretching, instead all I wanna do is eat some chocolate. And then some cheese. And then more chocolate.

Whhhhhyyyyyy? Oh whhhayyyy? Why can't I stop whining?

On Romance

With Valentine's Day coming up, it's almost impossible to escape the romance-think. Even though my husband and I aren't the V-day types, I do have a couple of thoughts on the subject...
Feeling sexy and being comfortable naked are a major motivator for me to lose weight. I've never been the "only in the dark under the covers" kinda girl, but there's no doubt that feeling fat is a major turn-off.

For our year anniversary, adventure-boy (the husband) and I went to a scrumptious dinner at a local French-inspired restaurant. The meal was amazing: a cheese course, truffle-oil laced fresh pasta with mushrooms and other various indulgences. I think we skipped dessert, but the richness of the meal had already done the damage...I was stuffed, uncomfortably so, and all I could think about was going home, getting in my pj's and going to bed. Sans sex. As much as I wanted to continue the celebration, I felt physically and psychologically ill.

On the flip side, since I've started to lose a little weight and feel better about my body both in and outside of pants, our sex life has, ahem, perked up. Maybe it's me. But I know that I've felt more desirable and been desired more in the last couple of months than in the months preceding. It's a nice feeling.

Am I planning to fail?

There are certain things recommended in BDS that I've taken to heart: eating mindfully while sitting, eating to 80% full, strengthening my resistance muscle and others. I'm really struggling with writing a food plan. I haven't done it, not once. I plan in my head, a little, and do very well with breakfast and lunch, but planning dinner ahead is a huge stumbling block for me. As a result, I'm eating more and not as well at night. Last night I mushed together a "What do I want to eat now?" meal after I was done working out, and I ended up ploughing through waaayyy too much bread. Whole grain, yummy artisan bakery bread, but still. Not the dieting choice. And not something I would have planned for.

So I hereby resolve to suck it up and make a plan for tomorrow.

First stumble...and some explanation

OK, so I went home, or rather, to my sister's home, outside of DC last week. It wasn't the most stellar of diet experiences. To be fair to myself, I was somewhat beholden to what the rest of the household was eating. To be honest, I still could have done better. To be fair, I didn't overindulge or stuff myself like crazy. To be honest, I didn't have to mainline the wine.

So there's a lot of fairness and honesty there. Stumbles included too much takeout in the form of burgers and burritos. There's a serious lack of fresh fruit in my sister's house. I like fruit, and I turn to it often for snacking. Victories include that I split most of the "bad" dishes and stayed pretty conscious of what I was eating. Best of all, I got back on the wagon as soon as I got home. And I only gained about 1 pound.

One thing that was startling? I've become pretty clued in recently to where this body struggle of mine has come from. Still, I was shocked to hear some of the things that my mother and sister say about theirs. My mother is almost 60 years old, and she's beautiful and in pretty damn good shape. She's got great legs, toned arms and a killer smile. Yet all she sees are flaws. It is so sad and so scary. My sister, who has always been naturally thin, is carrying, oh, probably five pounds more than she wants to on her frame, and refers to herself as fat. And my grandmother? In incredible shape at 82, spry and fit, was crowing over a 2-pound weight loss after being sick for a week. Granted, she was saying it was because she had stopped drinking her glass of wine each night. But still. So part of me thought "then what must they think of me?" So I let them in on the dieting...and about how much I weigh. The next morning, we were playing with my nephew in the basement, and I pointed to one of the small blue chairs he has in his playroom and asked, "Can those support the weight of an adult?" My mom laughed and said that she'd sat on them, but didn't know about me and raised an eyebrow. I. Could. Hardly. Believe. It. And it hurt.

So the whole sanity part of this? Maybe even more important than I realized.

The Gym in January + Random Thoughts.

I think it's hilarious the 0-60 the gym population takes in January. I also find it inconvenient, as I wiggle past the guy doing shrugs (such a guys-only move) and pardon my way around the bench pressers to get to the water fountain, then turn around and do it all again. Then I have to duck under the Smith machine because there's someone doing squats on the other side and run back to my mat before someone sneaks into my place. Can I count that as part of my workout?

In other news, it has been unseasonably warm for the last few days (hurrah!) and today I pulled myself out of bed to go for a raunk (run/walk) around the breakwall ~ the sun was coming up and it was all beautiful and fresh and the world was alive I tell you! And there were lots of older people to say "good morning" to and wonder whether or not I was actually screaming "GOOD MORNING" to them becuase I had my headphones on and was jammin'. But at least I was polite.

Additionally, I weighed myself last night and I weighed one pound more than I did last Thursday, but last Thursday I had lost five pounds in a week so I was wondering whether or not that could really be true. So although my heart broke a little bit when I stepped on the scale last night, I still have lost four pounds in January! And it's only halfway through the month! So that's very exciting. Viva la BDS!

Let's Talk About It

I think one of the hardest things about Beck's Diet Solution (hereby referred to as BDS) is the diet coach requirement. It was something I hemmed and hawed over, briefly considered skipping, and ultimately chose my husband to fulfill the role. He's taken to it, which is endearing. We'd talk about food all the time anyway, discussing what we'd have for dinner, breakfast, which pie we'd have for dessert, etc. so in a way it's not all that foreign. I just hope I don't end up hating him the day he asks me how my diet has been and I am forced to respond that I inhaled three muffins that someone brought in to work and stopped for In-n-Out on the way home because I was in a dismal state. That's the hard thing - when you tell people you're dieting, they know. THEY KNOW. They know that those garlic fries are not part of your plan. And then they remind you of that fact. And then you hate them along with yourself. That is unproductive.

I know this because the last time I told someone I was dieting, and asked for their help, it is what happened. And I overate spitefully. I still remember that, and it has been 10 years. The food in question was either jalepeno poppers with cream cheese inside or tortilla chips with salsa and sour cream. The boyfriend was not really forgiven. I felt crappy and fat and it was a disaster.

So why have I chosen my husband? It's simple - he's the closest to me. I can't lie. I can't avoid him (at least not for very long). And I think he can help. And I believe the BDS can change my brain. Not so that I will never have a over-indulgent day, but that I will be able to look at the day as such (just one day), and move on.

Credit

I think I'm on day 6 (maybe 7) of the Beck's Diet Solution. I have done all my homework. I have written things down and eaten meals slowly and mindfully and I have given myself credit. At a dinner out with friends, I took one tiny taste of a shared tiramisu, and smugly winked at the old me that was wringing her mental hands and keeping spoon aloft to make sure nobody got any more than her.
I am feeling really good about this whole thing. A little silly, yes, what with all the notetaking and whatnot but powerful and in control. I really think I've flipped a switch.
One of the things that resonates with me a LOT is the feeling of it's not fair. It's not fair that I can't eat what I want all the time. It's not fair that delicious things like cookies and port salut cheese are not as nutritionally virtuous as broccoli and raw almonds. It's not fair that _______ gets to eat _______ and is still thin. And Beck pretty much kicks that shit to the curb. Basically, one can dwell on those things, or they can say, "well, I can't. I can't do those things and look how I want to look." And then she points out something else: most thin people are trying, that they watch what they eat very carefully. That made me stop and think a minute. While this may not apply to my over-metabolized, muscled, ball-of-energy husband who never met a calorie he didn't like, it actually does apply to most of my friends, who are mostly pretty trim. They don't eat like I eat.
Case in point: My very very thin best friend, J. Lives in Hollywood, and is out-skinnying many of the models and actresses there. Yes, she's naturally thin. Yes, she can and has put down a pint of ice cream during a movie. But most of the time, she eats very healthfully. Egg whites and veggies, tomato slices instead of potatoes, and vodka sodas. Well, that last one is not necessarily healthy, but it's sure lower in calories than my pint of IPA.
2nd Case in point: My "why couldn't I have been built that way" sister. She used to say that she ate what was basically the slim-fast diet because she was too busy during the day to fix meals. I call bullshit. She doesn't always watch what she eats all the time, doesn't turn down a treat, but she also doesn't eat that much. There's always food left over on her plate. I've looked down after I sopped up ketchup with my last fry to see half of her burger still on her plate, with potato accompaniment. She's satisfied, and I'm stuffed.

So maybe it's not fair. Maybe it's going to be hard. But it's worth it.