Let's Talk About It

I think one of the hardest things about Beck's Diet Solution (hereby referred to as BDS) is the diet coach requirement. It was something I hemmed and hawed over, briefly considered skipping, and ultimately chose my husband to fulfill the role. He's taken to it, which is endearing. We'd talk about food all the time anyway, discussing what we'd have for dinner, breakfast, which pie we'd have for dessert, etc. so in a way it's not all that foreign. I just hope I don't end up hating him the day he asks me how my diet has been and I am forced to respond that I inhaled three muffins that someone brought in to work and stopped for In-n-Out on the way home because I was in a dismal state. That's the hard thing - when you tell people you're dieting, they know. THEY KNOW. They know that those garlic fries are not part of your plan. And then they remind you of that fact. And then you hate them along with yourself. That is unproductive.

I know this because the last time I told someone I was dieting, and asked for their help, it is what happened. And I overate spitefully. I still remember that, and it has been 10 years. The food in question was either jalepeno poppers with cream cheese inside or tortilla chips with salsa and sour cream. The boyfriend was not really forgiven. I felt crappy and fat and it was a disaster.

So why have I chosen my husband? It's simple - he's the closest to me. I can't lie. I can't avoid him (at least not for very long). And I think he can help. And I believe the BDS can change my brain. Not so that I will never have a over-indulgent day, but that I will be able to look at the day as such (just one day), and move on.

Credit

I think I'm on day 6 (maybe 7) of the Beck's Diet Solution. I have done all my homework. I have written things down and eaten meals slowly and mindfully and I have given myself credit. At a dinner out with friends, I took one tiny taste of a shared tiramisu, and smugly winked at the old me that was wringing her mental hands and keeping spoon aloft to make sure nobody got any more than her.
I am feeling really good about this whole thing. A little silly, yes, what with all the notetaking and whatnot but powerful and in control. I really think I've flipped a switch.
One of the things that resonates with me a LOT is the feeling of it's not fair. It's not fair that I can't eat what I want all the time. It's not fair that delicious things like cookies and port salut cheese are not as nutritionally virtuous as broccoli and raw almonds. It's not fair that _______ gets to eat _______ and is still thin. And Beck pretty much kicks that shit to the curb. Basically, one can dwell on those things, or they can say, "well, I can't. I can't do those things and look how I want to look." And then she points out something else: most thin people are trying, that they watch what they eat very carefully. That made me stop and think a minute. While this may not apply to my over-metabolized, muscled, ball-of-energy husband who never met a calorie he didn't like, it actually does apply to most of my friends, who are mostly pretty trim. They don't eat like I eat.
Case in point: My very very thin best friend, J. Lives in Hollywood, and is out-skinnying many of the models and actresses there. Yes, she's naturally thin. Yes, she can and has put down a pint of ice cream during a movie. But most of the time, she eats very healthfully. Egg whites and veggies, tomato slices instead of potatoes, and vodka sodas. Well, that last one is not necessarily healthy, but it's sure lower in calories than my pint of IPA.
2nd Case in point: My "why couldn't I have been built that way" sister. She used to say that she ate what was basically the slim-fast diet because she was too busy during the day to fix meals. I call bullshit. She doesn't always watch what she eats all the time, doesn't turn down a treat, but she also doesn't eat that much. There's always food left over on her plate. I've looked down after I sopped up ketchup with my last fry to see half of her burger still on her plate, with potato accompaniment. She's satisfied, and I'm stuffed.

So maybe it's not fair. Maybe it's going to be hard. But it's worth it.

Beck's Diet Solution - for me?

I picked up this book at the library last night. It's one that's been in my consciousness for a while. I even looked at it once and thought - wow, that seems like a lot of work - and put it down. But it's a six-week program that promises to change the way I think about eating, and that sounds like a giant relief. So I am willing to do a little work.

The way it's laid out is that there's a step to do each day, or attempt to do until it's mastered. The first day was to write on a notecard the reasons why I want to lose weight. Here's what I came up with:

• I want to look strong & sexy.
• I will be able to wear cooler clothes and shop in boutiques!
• I will be able to stop worrying about my weight.
• I will conquer my food issues.
• Nakedness.

Pretty succinct, but how glorious would it be to really stop worrying about my weight, stop watching it creep up, stop thinking about food as, alternately a dangerous and wily enemy and cuddly source of nuturing love and numbness? Pretty glorious.

late lunch

tuna melt
greens

5pm

Hey look what i can do!

OK, nevermind, I was going to post the label for my tuna melt that I created on Nutritiondata.com but apparently that's a no-no. The site is pretty sweet, though.

But anyway, it says my tuna melt has 361 calories. Yum.

Mission Success.

WILL. BE. MINE.

I am done. Done with my own excuses. Success begins now.

I am on a mission of failure

So this was supposed to be it. The time that I finally got my shit together and really stopped eating like a fool and actually lost weight. I made it the title of my blog! I have a statement! I am supposed to lose 30 pounds by my 30th Birthday. And I haven't lost any. Not one. Or I have, maybe one or two, and then I promptly gained them back. I'm teetering on the edge of 200 pounds. That's fucking scary. And it seems like such a long way back to where I was just a few years ago. When I moved out to LA, I weighed about 175. That's how I still think of myself, and yet I'm getting further from there, like every month.

So what now?

My mom and sister and I are going to Key West for my 30th Birthday. It's hot there. I will likely have to wear a bathing suit. I want to like the way I look in it.

My online food diary:

Breakfast:

Coffee, 16 oz with 2 packets raw sugar and 1/2 &1/2
Oatmeal - one packet with 6 walnut halves, chopped.

Detox Week!

Last week I ate no meat, dairy or sugar or white flour and consumed no alcohol for FIVE WHOLE DAYS! Well, almost. I broke the detox at 7ish on Friday at husband's work Xmas party. It did feel pretty good, though. Healthy, but kinda difficult. I'm a cream and sugar in my coffee kinda gal. I love cheese. Focusing on bringing lots of fruits, veggies and whole grains into my diet was good. I made quinoa for the first time. It was pretty tasty, like couscous only with a distinct nuttiness. I had sauteed spinach for the first time in ages, I'd forgotten how much I love it. I think I had more veggies in the last week than in the last month. And a lot of soy, which reminded me how I survived seven years as a vegetarian.
Then the weekend came. Why can I not be trusted around baked goods? Why do I follow something less than ideally healthy with more less than ideally healthy food? Do i just need to follow the sort of strict eating plan I concocted last week? It honestly felt good. I allowed myself to be a little hungry. I didn't focus on chocolate of sugary stuff because I wasn't going to eat it. I wan't allowed. Could I do that for a longer time? Could I do that forever? Would it be worth it? Why am I asking so many questions to the empty empty interwebs? I know who I should be asking. Me.